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Blocked, ghosted and cancelled, S01E01

An everyday story of internet folk

Scene: A dimly lit Whatsapp text screen; Cast: Molly (M), Jenny (J)

M: Hi Jenny

J: Hi Moll

M: You’re having a lol, ain’tcha?

J: What lol might that be, Moll?

M: A little bird tells me you’ve been texting Steve behind my back. Or am I wrong?

J: So what if I have? You only went and ghosted him last week.

M: For the record, Jenny, I didn’t ghost him, I cancelled him. And, either way, it doesn’t mean you can just start texting him.

M: Since when?

J: Since now.

[Jenny has blocked this conversation appears on screen]

J: [voice] For fuck’s sake. 

Theme music plays.

Nine years of trolling settle internet argument

One side of an internet argument looks set to achieve outright victory having “out-trolled” its opponents over nearly a decade, according to a source close to the defeated side.

It is believed to be the first time in internet history that a group of people have been provoked and ridiculed so skillfully that they decided to entirely abandon their opinions.

“I was just tired of being called names by people with hidden identities and agendas, so I decided it was time to call it a day and change my ideas completely,. We were out-trolled,” an insider told Unreal.

The two sides are thought to have been arguing continuously for at least nine years. None of those to whom we spoke could tell us what the argument was originally about. 

“As a group we ran out of ideas, hashtags and memes. Slowly we realised this meant our ideas were invalid. So we got together and, with a few hold-outs, decided to call it a day.”

The defeated side has not yet been named, but internet arguing experts say the other side will be hoping it leads to a domino effect in other issues.

“One of the core principles of the internet is that slagging people off is the most effective way to change their views,” says CapsLock34644, a self-styled internet warrior.

“This just goes to show those wimps who said sitting behind a keyboard calling people names was not going to achieve anything. Who is dumb now?”

The case of some of the names and statements made in this report may have been changed for style reasons. ■

Dating apps allow users to become tradable assets

Popular dating app users will be able to become globally tradable assets from tomorrow, turning their right swipes into financial returns as well as romantic liaisons.

Users will be given the option of linking their profile to a non-fungible token (NFTs), a unique sequence of characters on the cryptographic blockchain.

“Becoming a unique tradable asset with exposure to a global market offers both financial and emotional rewards,” says Sebastian Klein of NFTme, the offshore platform.

NFTs have already been used to represent real-world items like artwork and real-estate, but this will be the first time they have been applied to enable commerce in human beings.

The move comes after warnings about profit limits in the traditional online dating businesses because of the finite number of ways the human population can be paired.

Those opting to take part in the NFT scheme will be able to watch their romantic asset value rise and fall with right and left swipes, while also investing in peers.

Enabling the “Become a non-fungible token” option in settings (pictured). Research already suggests 98% of interactions lead to no meaningful interaction.

“Dating sites have to look beyond the model of initiating largely bilateral human relations,” says Klein. “What could be more enticing than being paid to be admired?”

“Our research tells us that the financially astute are 56% more attractive. There is no better way to signal it than to have an NFT token app on profile.”

 The function will be initially offered free to the small number of “elite” profiles gaining the bulk of attention, others will pay a monthly subscription of around $15.

Asked if the scheme was simply exploiting the financial and romantic hopes of users for no benefit, Klein said, “There is only one way to find out and that is to sign up.” ■