philcain

“Hit me with it.”
“In the beginning was the word, and the word…” 
There was a cough. John looked up from his reading, wounded.
“Sorry, John, do you mind if I offer some feedback?”
“But I only just started.”
“I know, I know it’s frustrating. I just feel you need to start with more punch.”
“More punch? This is the bible. Does the bible need punch?” 
“Trust me, everything needs more punch, especially the bible.”
“Ok, I’ll have to take your word for it.”
“Do that. I’ve had an eternity in this business. I know what I’m talking about. People get bored awfully easily.” 
“This editor is a real hard ass,” thought John.
“I know you think I’m a hard ass, John, but I’ll let it go.”
That got John’s attention. 
“OK, let’s get back to it. This is the beginning, we know it’s the beginning. What the reader needs is information right between the eyes. Pow!”
“So maybe we should start with, ‘There was the word’?” ventured John.
“How would we know it was the beginning?”
“Er. I don’t know.”
“You tell them John, you are writing this thing..
“There was the word at the beginning.”
“Okay, try again.”
“‘The word’, that was the beginning.”
“Better. Lead the reader into it now.”
“‘The word’, and that was just the beginning’?” John ventured. 
“I like it. I like it. It creates a mystery and leads the reader in, hungry. And now what.
“’Tune in next time to find out what happens in the second part of this sentence’?”
“You’re getting the hang of this.” ■

The Slightly Serious Fraud Office today unveiled plans to create a pyramid scheme incubator division as part of a new, entrepreneurial approach to activities traditionally seen as crimes.

“For too long pyramid schemes have been operated on the wrong side of the law by criminals, putting consumers at unnecessary risk,” said Richard Gregory, head of the newly-launched SSFO Schemes Incubator.

“We are leveraging the SSFO’s reputation and expertise to update this approach to give investors the reassurance they crave of having half-a-chance of striking it rich by putting their money in an inherently unstable investment vehicle.” 

Pyramid schemes typically give sizable returns for a small number of early investors at the very top, before collapsing in ruins on everyone else. Proponents say the new department will allow more people a chance to join those who benefit.

“The key is openness. As long as everybody has ticked a box to acknowledge that around 95% of investors in pyramid schemes are set to lose every penny,” says Gary, one of the new breed of entrepreneurs to get an official SSFO certificate.

“Pyramid schemes will go on regardless,” says Clair Fisher, an MP backing the scheme. “It is far better to legalise them and monetise people’s unrealistic aspirations, so giving pyramid businesses a fair chance and bring in Treasury revenue, rather than simply enrich criminals.”

Fisher says the proceeds of the incubator scheme will be invested in schools, hospitals, social services and counselling services, benefiting both winners and losers of the system. ■

Giants who carry off townspeople or who trample crops can expect to be barked at quite loudly from tomorrow, according to the latest light-touch regulatory scheme.

“We have created a vocal new guardian of the townspeople, empowered to bark at anyone over five-foot-three who might be up to no good,” the king’s town crier roared.

Critics of the scheme, which was proposed by giants, point out that the new regulator, Fifi Trixibelle, is a toy poodle only sixteen inches tall who is fed and watered by the giants.

Fifi’s barking will, however, supporters say, be based on the recommendations of an Independent Complaints Panel which will assess any written reports of marauding in detail.

“This is a cutting edge form of self-regulation, striking the perfect balance between the interests of villagers and giants,” said one of the king’s men, a part-time adviser to giants.

There were 4,535 townspeople carried away by giants and 1,445 acres of land trampled last year, up 20%, according to the Office of Town Statistics. ■